DICK HEALTH

Every morning I wake up a with a new layer of dough around my dick. My dick dough comes off easily but it keeps growing back. Is it safe to bake with? What can I do with all this dick dough?

—Anonymous

Dear Dough Dick,

While not FDA approved, your dick’s dough is perfectly safe. I myself have enjoyed the occasional dick bread. It is a rare treat and your friends will love you for it.

The secretion of dough is known as Spehler’s Disease, a very uncommon but harmless disorder that typically persists for about three months, so enjoy your dough while it lasts. As the illness nears the end of its course, the dick dough will be replaced by an oily amber gel which has no culinary value.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

HELP HELP HJELP these big black KILLER BIRDS are gonna PECK my DICK OFF and carry it INTO THE SUN. this is FUCKED UP how did i get myself in this shitty situation? AHHHHHH

—CARL KYLE HOLDER-SMOOT

Dear Carl Kyle Holder-Smoot,

Calm down! Are you indoors? The killer birds, which I’m almost positive are common crows, probably lack the ability to break in and kidnap your dick.

The most likely explanation for this attack is revenge. Crows are known to remember faces and even carry grudges over generations, so they are probably attempting to punish you for something your father or grandfather did. It may have been something as innocent as exposing his dick and wagging it mockingly at a crow; they are notoriously petty, envious creatures with no dicks for their own.

There’s a simple, humane way to diffuse this situation. All you have to do is invert your dick (use a Q-tip or popsicle stick) and display your inverted dick pit at every window in the house. This should convince the crows that they have mistakenly descended upon a person with no dick, and they will depart and reconvene at the nearest Crow Mountain to decide upon a different dick to maul.

After you’re safe, call an ambulence so your dick can be surgically everted before it travels up into your heart.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

My dick has four legs like a little animal. Why do I have a warped-ass creature dick?

—Anonymous

Dear James K. McComas of Overland Park, MO,

It depends. Do your dick’s legs move of their own volition? If so, cut them off immediately.

Are they just hanging from your dick motionlessly? If that is the case, the “legs” are merely harmless dick nodules. Cut them off at your leisure.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

Hey!! Its the dick doctor. I’m a little drunk tonight Bear with me! O.K. I;m pretty damned drunk. I am a Doctor! I know my dosages!! Dick dosages.

Anyway, i just want to share in some laughs about the aburdity of dicks! Like I went to f.u.c.k.ing medical school for what? 10 years or what ever the hell it was„, and I do this blig for serious serious reasons (like educating) but have you ever really taken  a good luck at one of these dicks?  Funny stuff!! reminds me of the old Gercho Marx line ”Outside of a dick a dick is” well I am too drunk to quoter. it. right now.

I was watch ing my TV recently and had a GREAT thought. why not there be a hilariious sitcom about a dick doctor?/ i am a funny guy. i am “patch adams” to a tee but i heal dicks. move over ROBIN WILIAMS. I am canecling MORK AND MONDY and replacng it with my brand of light heated Dick humor.

All kidding asside….. … A lot of mens dicks are suffering. and laughter is best medicine. if i could throw down my dick scalpel and dick anatibiotics today and  just spent the rest of mylife making dicks laugh that….. my frined…. is what i would do..!

Sorry for the rant.. dickdoctor out

—=-Dricky D. Dickdoctor,   MD

I was comparing dicks with my buddy Russell. His dick is cool looking like Rob Liefeld drew it. Mine on the other hand is weird and alien like Dr. Seuss art. I hate the way my dick goes off in all different directions. My buddy Russell has taken to calling me “Seuss Dick”, a very hurtful name. Is there any kind of acid I can use to scar my buddy Russell’s dick so it won’t look cool anymore?

—Anonymous

Dear Andre Carter of Aiea, HI,

Well, if you ask me, I have always found the way Dr. Seuss rendered dicks to be quite imaginative and striking. Maybe that’s just me appreciating the work of a fellow doctor!

In time, I believe you will be able to appreciate your own dick’s special shape and cherish the secrets it holds. Every man goes through a similar crisis, but each of us must remember that we only get one unique dick, or in rare cases, two.

As for scarring your friend’s dick with acid, I can’t recommend it. To cause permanent damage to its tough outer layer, you would need to submerge your friend’s dick in acid for several minutes, not a simple splash-and-run.

Instead, consider a compromise. Try asking your friend to wear an ugly witch mask over his dick whenever you’re around. He may surprise you.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

UMMM SO WHATS THE SCOOP ON BALLS. NPR JUST DID A THING ON BALLS. ARE THEY MYTH

—Dan Bautista of Wichita, KS

Dear Dan Bautista of Wichita, KS,

It’s estimated that about 0.3% of dicks contain balls. Such dicks usually hold three to six balls in a row, connected by a rainbow ribbon of ball veins. Each ball contains a new dick in case the primary dick fails. Since most people never need a new dick, many are happy to donate one or two of their balls to Blue Collar Balls of America, a non-profit organization that incubates donated balls and hatches healthy dicks for factory workers who have lost their dicks in machinery.

Some noteworthy figures whose dicks contain balls are musician Rod Stewart, chef Anthony Bourdain, and filmmaker Martin Scorsese. A popular theory even posits that the Zodiac Killer had twelve balls inside of his dick.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

I took an online quiz “Find Out Your Dick’s True Age” and it told me my dick is 97 years old. I’m only 26 and I’m disturbed by this. I can’t sleep now. I’m so afraid my dick could give out at any minute. Please! Is this test a load of hooey? I need to know if it’s just hooey! Is it hooey?

—Anonymous

Dear Donovan Thomas of Spearman, TX,

In the dick medical field there is an array of tests used in determining a dick’s “age”. We’ve developed specialized tools to evaluate a dick’s elasticity and strength, the efficiency of its glycogen body, and the speed at which it can recede into the body. A full dick checkup including these tests can cost in the thousands, and is usually only recommended for pilots and athletes.

Online tests like the one you took depend entirely on the subjective answers of the person being tested, not the objective readouts of diagnostic devices (such as a dick endoscope, a tiny camera that can travel into your dick.) The results of online tests vary wildly and can probably be ignored as long as your dick is getting a healthy daily regimen of minerals and mercury injections.

That said, I just took that quiz myself, and it told me I have the dick of a 16 year old! What flattery! I guess the mercury’s been working.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

I’m a counselor at a summer camp for divorced men. Do you know any good dick tricks I could use to teach my campers some basic skills while also having a lot of fun?

—Larry of Camp Divorce in St. Albans Bay, VT

Dear Larry,

This is an old one, but you can light a fire with only your dick, a flint rock, and some brush. Simply hit your dick with the rock repeatedly until it creates sparks, and with good aim they’ll ignite the brush. You may need a strong arm and patience.

But once your fire’s built and everyone’s toasty, what to do? Well, did you know that every dick, when pulled taut and plucked, produces a meaty twang at its own unique frequency? With enough campers, you could probably put together a full pentatonic scale, and with a little bit of practice you could teach them to play some nice campfire songs with just their dicks!

Imagine twelve divorced men plucking away at their dicks to the tune of George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”, their faces and dicks illuminated only by the warm orange glow of a fire and the silvery glimmer of the moon. This will be a summer to remember.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

not to brag, but my dick is serrated and can cut through just about anything. my friends have taken to daring me to cut through objects with my serrated dick, and are even betting money on whether or not my dick can destroy an increasingly rigid series of materials. i enjoy the attention but i’m beginning to wonder whether or not this is safe. please let me know if i am putting my saw dick at risk.

—Anonymous

Dear Martin Roy of Burlington, VT,

If my read on the situation is accurate, it seems to me that your friends see you and your dick as a mere source of amusement, not as a human being and a human dick.

Yes, it is potentially dangerous to use your dick’s gift to slice anything tougher than soft whittling woods such as basswood. You could permanently dull your dick serrations, or even crimp your dick.

I suggest you hire a tanner to construct a leather dick sheath for your dick. That way, the next time a friend tries to pressure you into carving something with your dick, you can reveal your sheathed dick and say, “Sorry, buddy, the dick sheath is on today.” A real friend always respects a dick sheath.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD

I’m scared of spiders. My friend says spiders have 8 dicks and shoot web from their dicks. I’m too scared to look it up. Is it true?

—Anonymous

Dear Wallace Calloway of Manchester, NH,

Say hello! This is my pet tarantula, Dicky! He’s about six years old and named after my brother (We miss you, Dick.)

Your friend is 100% right. Dicky, like all creatures in the arachnid family, has eight dicks which he uses primarily to craft beautiful webs. These webs flutter gently in the summer breeze like the hem of a silk nightgown. They collect insects for eating, and in the morning, glistening dewdrops… as do my eyes whenever I see a particularly enchanting web!

A spider’s dicks are very different from a human’s or a dog’s. They have two to four joints, as opposed to one. Since they have no legs, they use their dicks to crawl about.

In addition to emitting web material, certain species of spider can shoot gobs of venom up to ten feet. When the venom hits you in the eye, blindness and searing pain will prevent you from running away, and once the paralysis sets in the spider can begin to eat your body.

Dicky, of course, has been de-venomized in most of his dicks. He still has a small amount in his weaker, hind-dicks, so he can still catch grasshoppers and baby snakes.

One more fascinating thing: According to African legend, when a spider loses a dick in battle, the dick will still have enough web material and residual energy to weave one final letter. If the spider loses all eight dicks, the letters will spell out the spider’s true name.

Just a myth? Who knows! But I hope my pet is fine with just “Dicky”!

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD